Book Review: The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy and Kathy Keller
The Meaning of Marriage was written by Timothy Keller with his wife Kathy contributing. Timothy Keller served as the pastor for Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York City for twenty-eight years. He is an influential pastor, author, and sought-after conference speaker. The Kellers have been married for forty-five years and therefore have the ability to write from the experience of a time-tested marriage.
The Meaning of Marriage was written for a variety of readers in different levels of relational commitment. Keller wanted those who are single to discover, as he and his wife had, that, “marriage is much harder” than young couples expect. Keller wanted singles to have a “brutally realistic yet glorious vision of what marriage is and can be.” Keller has a unique demographic than many other churches. He wrote that at one time an astonishing seventy-five percent of the people in his church were single. Keller did not want to ignore this large percentage of people in his own church and therefore addressed them as well. Keller wanted to prepare them well for what was to come if they would be married one day. Keller has also dedicated an entire chapter to those who are single.
Not surprisingly the book is also focused on those who have already been married. Keller wrote the book for them to discover “practical resources to survive the sometimes overwhelming ‘fiery trials’ of matrimony and grow through them.” The Keller’s honesty about their own struggles in marriage gave the book an appreciated rawness. This honesty helps the reader not be deceived by the unrealistic struggles in marriage. This book isn’t about how to have an unrealistic “happily ever-after marriage” but one that endures hardships with realistic expectations through mutual sacrifice, love, and commitment. Keller says that often marriages fail because couples have unrealistic expectations of fairy tale and happily ever after stories.
When these sentimental feelings of marriage end, or don’t happen as often, marriage becomes extremely difficult. Keller correctly states that, “Marriage is glorious but hard. It’s a burning joy and strength, and yet it is also blood, sweat, and tears, humbling defeats and exhausting victories.” Keller accomplishes his purpose for his readers by dividing the book into eight helpful chapters. The first four chapters get to the heart of marriage at a foundational and definitional level, and the final four chapters focus much on practical application. The book is well balanced, however, in truth and application in each chapter. He accomplishes his purpose by discussing topics such as: the necessity of the Holy Spirit, understanding the true nature of love, priority of spiritual friendship, covenantal relationship, understanding biblical gender roles, and even the purpose of sexual intimacy. The subtitle of the book, Facing the Complexities of Marriage with the Wisdom of God, is an apt description of how they accomplished their purpose in this book. The Keller’s focus on the wisdom of God gave them a clear definition of marriage and a healthy foundation. Keller does this by drawing much from classic passages on marriage from the Bible. He gives many truths from Ephesians 5 and also Genesis 1 and 2.
The main theme throughout the book is centered on the truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Refreshingly, Keller often brings the reader home to the truth that, “marriage was designed to be a reflection of the saving love of God for us in Jesus Christ.” Keller even calls the gospel the “secret to marriage.” It is the secret to marriage because “we get both the power and the pattern for the journey of marriage.” The gospel in marriage, Keller argues, is founded upon Paul’s description of marriage in Ephesians 5:21-33. It is here that the husband knows that he is the head of the wife and represents Christ in the marriage. The husband sees the command to sacrifice for his wife because “Christ gave himself up for her.” It is also here that the wife sees that she ought to respect and submit to her husband as the church does to Christ. This biblical view of marriage is often referred to as “complementarian” and Keller is one of the loudest voices on this issue today.
The view of a biblical marriage, with the gospel at center, helps us to be exposed to our self-centered ways and the correct path way forward. Keller rightfully exposes this as sinful and the common denominator of many failed marriages. He argues that the solution is for each spouse to see this flaw in themselves in light of the gospel. He writes, “So each spouse should take the Bible seriously, should make a commitment to “give yourself up.” You should stop making excuses for selfishness, you should begin to root it out as revealed to you, and you should do so regardless of what your spouse is doing.” Keller bases this truth on 2 Corinthians 5:15, “And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.”
The strength in their argument doesn’t just come from biblical wisdom, but life experience. For example, Keller recounted the story of how busy life was when he began as the pastor at Redeemer Presbyterian Church. Mrs. Keller was not pleased with his extreme schedule and often talked to Mr. Keller about it. He repeatedly promised her “Just a couple more months...I have this and that commitment that I have to see through.” Kathy agreed to remain patient but as the time continued on the busier he became. Keller continued to push the “couple of months” further down the road until Kathy reached her breaking point. Keller came home one day to a frustrated Kathy who was smashing their wedding china with a hammer. She said to him, “You aren’t listening to me. You don’t realize that if you keep working these hours you are going to destroy this family.” This “godly tantrum” that Kathy was displaying worked in that it stopped Keller in his tracks to see how selfish he had been to his wife. Keller had thought his wife was having a meltdown, but it was a planned episode to get his attention. The cups and saucers were actually spares and she was going to throw them away anyway. This story is an example of how the Kellers used their personal experience, good or bad, to help the reader relate to the points being communicated.
The Meaning of Marriage will be an encouragement to those who are seeking to be married or for those who are already married. It is not just a book to read when your marriage is in trouble, but also when it is healthy. Although the Kellers focused much on the Bible as their foundation for this book, it not an exegetical treatise on the topic of marriage. For those looking for deep exegesis on the biblical passages for marriage they will be disappointed. However, that is not what Kellers intended to do in this book. For those seeking an enjoyable, convicting, and practical resource with real life examples to help them “navigate the complexities of commitment” they will be encouraged. The book would also serve as a useful tool for pastors to use in counselling. The greatest blessing of the book is a reminder of how the gospel is interwoven and is the answer for how we see life; marriage is no exception.
